Jackie Zach
July 22, 2024
In this newest episode of the Tough Love for Business Podcast, Jackie Zach and Mike McKay discuss the crucial question: “What do you want?” They emphasize that many people are so focused on daily tasks that they forget to consider their broader life goals. The podcast highlights the challenge of defining what one truly wants out of life, noting that people often struggle to articulate their desires and are better at identifying what they don’t want. By starting with what they don’t want, listeners can use this clarity to outline their goals and work towards a fulfilling life.
Mike McKay further explores how societal and educational influences shape our beliefs and desires, often steering people away from their true interests. He advocates for a shift in mindset, suggesting that understanding what you don’t want can help in defining what you do want. The episode encourages listeners to reflect on their life goals, starting with small, specific objectives, and to focus on what they need to learn to achieve their aspirations. The conversation wraps up with the idea that life will always present challenges, so it’s better to choose problems that foster growth and satisfaction rather than simply accepting unwanted difficulties.
Need help figuring out what you want in life? Take advantage of a complimentary business strategy session to discover the opportunities in your business! https://actioncoachwi.com/podcast-ask-a-question-complimentary-session/
Podcast Transcript
Jackie Zach: Welcome to the Tough Love for Business Podcast. I’m with my co-host, Mike McKay. I am Jackie Zach, and today, we are going to be talking about “What do you want?” What do you want out of life? Because your business is a vehicle for getting the life you want. What do you want? Many people struggle with this because they are so heads down all the time that they never look up to ask, “What do I really want?” They might know what they don’t want, but not what they are working towards. They never think about the journey or the destination, and people struggle with that.
Mike McKay: It’s really kind of worked out of us through schooling and how we live our lives. Think about schooling—how many times did you hear a version of, “Well, that’s not for you”? “You can’t be a doctor; you should be a carpenter,” as if being a carpenter has some kind of stigma. We need carpenters. If you want to do carpentry, go do carpentry. The world needs carpenters, plumbers, and electricians. But there was a time in schools when the trades were looked down upon, and college was a must. That’s a belief you can choose to change. Between ages 12 to 19, the biggest impression comes from your peer group. If your peers are smoking in the bathroom or going out drinking on Friday nights, and you’re trying to become a college athlete, your peers might say, “You’re not that good anyway.” We tend to take on what the tribe says because it was critically important in the past. If the tribe kicked you out, you would die. We’re hardwired that way, and we pick these beliefs that either serve us or don’t as we move forward in life.
Jackie: What do you want?
Mike: Right. We tend to adopt beliefs that are acceptable to those around us. The five people you spend the most time with probably influence your thinking. Recently, we asked a group to write down what they want. Almost nobody could. We spent time discussing why this desire is often removed by peers, family, coaches, teachers, and others. Remember, 99% of people just want to be comfortable. They want life to give them problems they can solve, like sickness or being broke, instead of problems they want to solve, like doing something cool. So, we asked what they don’t want. For example, “I don’t want to be a decrepit old person who can’t ski with my kids at 65.” The opposite is, “I want to be fit, active, and enjoy skiing with my kids.” Now you have a description of that future person and the gap between them and you today. What has that person sorted out that you haven’t? Maybe they’ve figured out how to stay in shape and make enough money for skiing trips. You need to sort out how to become that person—fit enough to ski and financially capable. It starts with asking what you don’t want.
People find it easier to list what they don’t want than what they do want. If you struggle with defining your goals, take 10 minutes to list what you don’t want in the future and then write down the opposite. For example, “I don’t want to be an alcoholic” translates to “I want to be a fit, healthy person who doesn’t use alcohol.” It’s not “I’m not an alcoholic.” So, “I don’t want to be unable to ski with my kids” becomes “I’m a fit, healthy skier who makes enough money and has enough free time to take my grandkids skiing.” This process is called clarity through contrast. By starting with what you don’t want, you clarify what you do want. Over time, it becomes easier to start with the do’s.
Jackie: Right, start with what you want. But many people have never thought about what they want.
Mike: Yes, and that’s a choice. It’s part of the belief system of feeling undeserving.
Jackie: This is a great exercise to do with your spouse or significant other to see what you both want. Or even what you don’t want, to come to a shared understanding of what you want together as a family.
Mike: It seems hard at first. Start with small things, like “I don’t want any credit card debt.” The opposite is, “I’m someone who has all my credit cards paid off.” What does that person have figured out that you don’t? It’s not about what you have to do but about what you have to figure out. Many times, when we set a goal, we start thinking linearly from where we are. But if you knew how to do it, you’d already be there. One of the coolest things about mindset work is acknowledging that you need to learn. Short-circuit the learning process by asking what the person who has what you want has figured out. Then, plan how to figure that out for yourself.
The book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People talks about beginning with the end in mind. Think about what the person who has all the things you want looks like, talks like, feels like, and what they have figured out that you haven’t. That’s a version of beginning with the end in mind. Stop giving yourself grief when it’s hard to get there. You just haven’t learned the lesson yet.
If you’re content with your life, you still need to solve problems. Life will either move you towards growth and a brighter future or make you solve problems that suck, like having a heart attack on your deathbed. Life isn’t letting you off the hook, so choose the problems you want to solve. Do you want to solve loneliness, a broken-down house, or a lack of skiing ability? Or do you want to live a life full of challenges that push you to grow and enjoy life? The person who does that needs to be fit enough to run the bases, so to speak, and do the things they want to do. Figure out what you need to sort out to get from here to there.
Jackie: The big secret here is…
Mike: Do you want to get buried nameless in a potter’s field or have a big marble mausoleum with family mourning your loss and being grateful for you?
Jackie: Those are two brutal choices.
Mike: Either way, life will give you the challenges that lead to your choice.
Jackie: No doubt. So, if you don’t know what you want, start with what you don’t want and go from there. I hope you all have a great day. Listen next time when we talk more about mindset.